There are a lot of things that I haven’t made time for lately. What stands out the most for me is that my house looks like the inside of a handbag, I’m not sleeping a lot and I have hundreds of unanswered work emails and texts from friends who I love so much. I feel like I am behind on *actually* everything. But I’m happy.
Noah can READ MUSIC, I mean how special is that. He can play the piano and it makes me want to cry. I am so, so proud of him. I want to write an entire entry JUST on that. I have so much to say and it needs to come out in no particular format, otherwise I’ll never be able to write again.
I have this recurring dream that I have another baby. There is nothing more boring than hearing about other people’s dreams (I know) but… In this dream: I keep forgetting that I have a baby. Like, “I can’t remember if I have a baby or not- can anyone confirm?” In this dream there’s always a really bad thing that happens like I don’t know – a natural disaster or something. And I leave town but forget to take the baby. Then I call a few friends and ask if they have my baby… and then I wake up. I sleep next to the boys every night (co-sleeping is for the mother, I assure you) so then I just like, pull them toward me and inhale their smell. It’s the best feeling. It’s the worst feeling.
They’re incredible children. Every now and then Graeme and I text each other like “How damn cool are the boys?” I have no idea how they got so incredibly smart. Kind. Handsome. Hilarious. We’re supposed to love our children, but man I just really LIKE them – you know? They tell these really funny jokes and do magic tricks and watch documentaries and play the piano and care about everything so. much. Are all kids this cool? Probably not.
My computer keeps crashing and I’ve been having issues with my emails which has made me want to jump out of a window for actual real. I got *another* new computer but I don’t have the patience to transfer all my files to the new one, or I get half way then give up because I need that ONE file on the OTHER computer and then just revert back and hope that nothing crashes. This (old) computer is tragically slow and won’t even let me edit images. It’s affected my blog, my job… my mental health.
Tonight I chucked my dressing table out of my room and replaced it with a desk. I figure that I enjoy writing in my bedroom more than anywhere else, so maybe this will encourage some late night motivation.
I have somebody to love, which I appreciate more than I probably ever have before. I get to hang out with someone who I learn from and who makes me laugh until I cry… all the time. I feel like that needs a separate post too, but I’m an incredibly lucky girl to feel even half this happy.
Anyway, I just thought I’d say hi. I feel like I don’t know what’s going on in the world right now. I feel like I’ve lost myself somewhere between everything. I look at pictures of myself from a year ago and don’t recognise that girl at all. This past year has changed me. I feel like I don’t do anything that I enjoy anymore and I don’t know why. I am like number 7 on the list of my own life? Why? I’m stepping back a bit and trying to figure a few things out. Trying to open a conversation with myself, but who has time to think anyway?
Nobody.