Hello daar, blog. Flipping flip I haven’t been writing for a while, have I? Guys have you noticed how many blogs there are lately? There are one or two that I read, but those of you from back in the day (7 or 8 years ago) might remember a completely different and more isolated internet life. Back when some of the greatest and most important blogs were around and everyone really gave AF about what they said and thought about the world. Nowadays – not as much. It’s all gone a bit commercial and kak, hasn’t it? In it for the ‘opportunities’ these young guns. The stats, the awards (remember those) the freebies and I don’t know what else. I saw a blogger meet up thing the other day and flip you guys that was what Nicki, Angie and I started up about… six years ago? Five? Back when I was at a PR agency in Joburg. A LONG time ago. Remember when Nicki blogged? I miss her writing so much. So many really good writers have censored or packed it in completely because it’s just too much. And you guys, some bloggers these days can be hard-core-mean to each other, and super serious. It’s changed. I have noted that the real writers, the artists, the sentimental and passionate… are still here. The ones who built their house on the rock, you know?
Do you still read blogs? With all these apps and services and devices, it’s pretty easy to stay in the loop these days. I’m so guilty of not updating and it bugs me because this is where I keep all our memories. I made a bit of a U-turn a few months ago, or was it last year – when was it? and decided to stop and say NEE to the sponsorships and cash monies and things because it blurred a lot of what I wanted to do with my online space. Blogging is not a business, or well it’s not my paycheck. I have a business that I put all my energy, love and excitement in to every day and it’s just so rewarding. Some of you may know that I run a little social media agency in Cape Town. With blogging: I find that when you start getting paid to do something you love (in terms of hobbies) then even that starts to become a bit of a chore. A deadline. A responsibility. It’s no fun, I say. And I’m not a salesman you guys. That’s not what I wanna write about. And I’ve been doing SO MUCH writing lately, just not online or published because some things are private. Here is a picture of me looking private. Look how private I am.
I’ve become very… personal about a lot of things, and I think it’s great. I’m quite an introvert IRL, and a bit of a recluse. I was telling Graeme how I struggle to make small talk or make friends because the friends I do have, I’ve had my whole adult life (and most through childhood and teen years too) So meeting new people and telling them about me sounds just… exhausting. I am a complex person. My besties know everything about me, and there’s great comfort there. I don’t trust many people because there are just so many jerks out there, you know? I like to stay warm by the fire of my close friends, family, children and dogs. We went to a kids party yesterday, and I spoke to a group of moms for a few minutes and as G and I walked away, I was like “OMG was I okay? Did I say anything weird? Do you think they’ll think I’m okay? Maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned this or that, or like spoken a word at all. Was I weird?” Cause the thing is that I AM weird and I’m afraid of opening my mouth around people for most of the time. Also, G is so used to my quirks / probable personality disorders that he is completely useless at giving feedback. He’s like “you were just yourself” and I’m like “NOOOoooooo that’s awful!!” I’ve really been struggling with school moms. The ‘other’ moms I call them. I mean they all seem nice, but I am so skittish all the time. Is there an app for people skills?
I have these friends that I’ve met over the years who I know don’t know me at all. You’ve got them too. Friends you keep at the very tip of your fingers and who you ‘friendship’ with every day, but they don’t know a darn thing about the human you are deep inside. In the corners and shadows and behind trap doors. You don’t ‘show and tell’ those parts because heck, the therapist you hired and paid couldn’t open that kak with a crowbar.
So sometimes it really is easier to go online and talk to complete strangers than it is to whatsapp your mother and get IRL feedback. Sometimes it is nice to talk to absolutely nobody about absolutely everything and to remind y’all that this is real life people.
My friend Stacey (real-deal writer) has described my writing style as confessional. She picked it up off the bat because hers is too, and I’ve always suspected that Stacey and I are similar. I love friends like Stacey because she’s felt extreme and utter heartache. Not a standard requisite for a tick-box, but I feel comfortable around people with broken hearts. People who have suffered are real. Humble. Intelligent. Wise. Wordly. Experienced. Haunted. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable around people who live ordinary or sheltered lives. Easy lives. Does that sound bad? Look how insecure I am all over my blog today. I wonder if you’re able to feel without your heart broken in half, like it needs to be exposed and vulnerable to heighten your awareness and absorb more life.
I’m more drawn to honesty and bleeding emotion. I want to read and write and feel. I want to save my own memories for a rainy day. I want to remember everything about this life and I want people who love me to remember all about me too. I’ve been following this tandem blogging experiment over on Cath’s blog (thanks for the invite, bitches) and I’m really enjoying it. They get a ‘line’ every week and a whole bunch of them have to write a blog post on it. It’s very cool! I also read my friend Keri‘s blog because her writing is lekker and she likes to leap out of her comfort zone, which I really respect about people. Some research (a tweet I sent out once) has shown that we follow blogs because we’re drawn to the writer’s personality and feel connected to them. I get that, because even if my favourite bloggers are writing about computer games, I’m all in cause I like to read their words and find out what they’ve been up to, like a creepster.
So I guess what I’m TRYING to say, is that it’s pretty hard to stay authentic in this new world and wave of bloggers who might be in it for different reasons – reasons that weren’t even around when some of us started out, and that’s okay. We have our own motives, and who’s to say who is right anyway, just cause someone isn’t doing something the same way – doesn’t mean they’re wrong or right and who cares… let people do what they wanna do, right? I haven’t been feeling very creative. As I write this, it’s Sunday morning and the kids are being hella loud, running up and down the passage and outside (up to no good I’ll bet) so it’s hard to stay focused. I know I sound like a whiny mother. I am a whiny mother. I’ll write more soon, little rabbit haus memoir. I swear it!